GOB SMACKED - AS IT WERE

Oh Dear, one of the last resources of the long-suffering traveller is on its way to being stamped out. A large notice may be seen on Platform 2 of Peterborough Station. It says:

Our staff have the right to work in a safe environment without fear of intimidation, abuse or assault.

We have a zero tolerance policy on physical or verbal abuse against any member of staff and always press for the maximum penalty to be brought.

Our staff carry spit kits so they can submit spittle for DNA testing. We do not hesitate to prosecute anyone who spits at our staff.

I feel my mind boggling at the reactions this statement produces in me. One is curiousity: how big is the kit? How big must the spit sample be? Does loud speech with concomitant spray after a few pints constitute a spittle attack? In the case of a few elderly people I have known does their soft speech accompanied by a sort of venturi effect constitute an attack? Amongst the staff is the device called the ‘spit kit’? (I’ll bet it is). What is the difference between spit and spittle? (The notice implies that there is).

What of when the spit sample has been analysed and the DNA profile established? I’ll tell you. It only has value if the DNA can be matched up with someone who is known to the police and of whose criminal history a record is kept. So the protection offered by this scheme is effectively restricted to the victims of spitters with form. Or the spitters who are apprehended and taken into custody at the time of the spitting – in which case the DNA doesn’t add to the evidence; all you need is the spit.

And then a certain irritation develops in me. What should the staff of Peterborough railway station be so uniquely protected? What about all the other people who face the public? What about bar staff? What about bar customers – I’ve had a few douches in my time from barmen. Do we need a campaign along the lines of ‘FREE SPIT KITS FOR ALL’. Perhaps the Liberal Democrats should include this in their manifesto.

I think there’s a bit of money to be made here in the business of DNA testing for spat upon people. (Memo: see what’s available in the stock market – something for the ISA perhaps?).

I think the notice is provocative. It may even make angry people consider urination as an alternative form of protest. Imagine the notice they’d have to put up then!

Still, you’ve gotta laugh encha?