TOILET PAPER

This is a delicate matter. It is not a topic for humour. Toilet paper is serious stuff.

Over the years this household of ours has hunted high and low for an acceptable quality of toilet paper. We have gone through thick and thin in our quest. We’ve taken the rough with the smooth. Eventually we discovered Andrex ‘Quilts’ and this product seemed set to give us long term satisfaction. A brand of toilet paper is not just for Christmas, it is for life. So we were very happy.

I was the one that discovered an odd side effect of using this product. For some time, days, even weeks, I had noticed tiny flecks of a white substance on the carpet of the loo – not many because the room is hoovered regularly but within a day or so after cleaning one would be aware of the white flecks. Acute observation revealed the culprit to be the toilet paper that is known as ‘Quilts’. As each sheet is torn from the mother roll a tiny piece of paper seems to explode from the perforation and gently floats to earth. This is not noticed at first but repetition of the tearing off process produces an effect not dissimilar to a light covering of snow. I imagine that if one did not hoover the carpet regularly one could easily find oneself up to one’s ankles in the stuff. I suggested that perhaps we should eschew the tearing off of sheets and employ scissors but then realised that there would then always be the risk that one might make the cut between the perforations and so create the sort of pranky ‘joke’ toilet paper that might well have been sold in those shops of yore that sold ‘whoopee’ cushions and fake (thank Heavens) dog excrement. So ‘Quilts’ is, or are, out.

We are currently employing, on a trial basis, Andrex ‘Puppy’ which allows one to collect ‘Puppy Points’ and they, the packing states, will enable us to ‘splash out (unfortunate choice of words) on all sorts of brilliant treats to really spoil yourself’. Ignoring the split infinitive I can go on to tell you that the brilliant treats include ‘active days out, free cinema tickets, adorable puppy items and – can they be serious? – family meals out. I can see all too well the effect this form of aggressive marketing could have on a family. ‘Look, if everyone in the family uses the loo three times a day we could be enjoying Sunday lunch at the Harvester in 2015 – so get in there and do your duty Gerald!’.

All you have to do, and I mean you not me, is visit http://www.andrexpuppypoints.com/, sign up on line, enter your Puppy Points code that is printed on the inside of the 9 roll pack, select your treat – there are hundreds to choose from! And then enjoy your treat.

Look, you can do this. It’s a gift from me. You visit the site and use my Puppy Points code. It is YJ17MXN84L; it is ‘security printed’ inside the plastic bag and it is so cleverly done that you can’t read it from the outside!

As Andrex approaches its unachievable goal of persuading people to go to the loo more often and then when there, one supposes, use more paper than circumstances dictate it seems to be driven to extremes of branding and this is no more clearly demonstrated than by the range of products it offers. We have already covered ‘Quilts’ and ‘Puppies’. In addition you will find: Shea Butter Toilet Paper, Longer Lasting White Toilet Paper, Natural Pebble Toilet Paper, Pink Blossom Toilet Paper and Toilet Paper with Aloe Vera and … wait for it … Vitamin E.

I’m sure that your mind, like mine, is boggling over what these brand names suggest; I mean, how do you make a longer lasting toilet paper? – it’s surely a one-use product unless the economic situation deteriorates quite severely. And Shea Butter? Whatever that is. Natural pebble? I won’t go on, it’s just too sad.

My, but you can tell when a company has just taken on a new marketing manager can’t you?