SMALL TIME AMERICAN CRIME

In my last report to you I spoke of the cinematic quality of the American experience for visiting Limeys like me. Yanks – I must remember to be careful about using that word ‘Yank’; the man who so admired my hat in Johnie Brown’s bar in Delray Beach, Florida (see previous offering), told me not to use it when referring to folk from the South but while I’m safe here in England I’ll risk it. Yanks will probably not see their own world through cellophane (metaphorical use in these electron heavy days) in the same way. So forgive me, dear Yanks of mine, if I appear naïve.

Crime features heavily in our once-removed view of the USA. Crime – that’s what most US movies are about, if they are not about vampires and hospitals.

We all know about Big Time American Crime, the Mafia, the drug gangs, Public Enemies Number 1 (is that a contradiction in terms?), but what do you know about … Small Time American Crime?

You are about to be told.

What follows is taken from the Crime and Safety columns of the Delray Forum, a weekly local paper of the type that my step-aunt, *Sheila Hoegl Noeth (née Diggle), launched from Hicksville, Long Island many years ago. I am not taking liberties with the truth here; there is a place called Hicksville and its people are probably very, very tired of disparaging uses being made of the name.

The items that I submit for your attention are supplied to the Delray Forum and are ‘supplied by local jurisdictions’. All are quoted without editorial intervention.

4.51 am May 27. A police officer was dispatched to a man screaming in a parking lot.

3.08 pm May 30. While filling out applications at a restaurant, two halfway house roommates got into a heated argument.


11.02 pm. May 30. A resident reported that a drunk pedestrian was walking in the area. Police found the man standing behind a palm tree and advised him to go home.


2.00pm. May 31. A 50-year-old man was observed by a store employee placing items in his waistband. A search produced razors, stickers, mouthwash and a hunting knife.


3.12 pm May 31. A police officer responded to two adult men instigating and encouraging high school students to fight.


6.55 am June 2. A resident reported a neighbour’s dog growled in a threatening manner while she was walking her dog.


10.46pm June 2. A man found his car missing from a parking lot.


4.09pm. June 3. A woman reported to police that she put her cigarettes down at a table at her business and a man walked up, took the cigarettes and fled.

3.35pm. June 3. A 35-year-old man concealed a bottle of vodka under a newspaper, then put four bottles of gin in his pants and ran out of a liquor store.


07.43am. June 4. A woman reported she was talking to friends outside of her residence when a friend went inside and stole $200. The man confessed and pulled the money from his shoe.


12.28 am. June 5. A woman riding a bicycle was pulled over after midnight for riding with no lights. Upon investigation she was found to possess two bags of marijuana.


01.41 am. June 5. A man asked for his restaurant bill, which totalled $85 and fled without paying.


That’s the round-up of this week’s Small Time American Crime, folks. Remember to lock your windows and doors tonight and sleep well.




*Sheila Hoegl Noeth - 1912-2003
  http://www.antonnews.com/